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exsposing myself.

When you believe in God. He encompasses everything in your life. You and he are friends. I am a friend of God. God is my friend.

And spirituality. Religion. Life style.. whatever you want to call it. Its the main player in the team that is your personality, and your identity.


So when strangers, celebrities, and worst of all, friends.... make a jest. or a snicker. or post things online that make God out to be trivial. or a joke? Because some asshole fringe groups of church goers say stupid things and publicize their prejudices on TV.... even though those people, really, have nothing to do with you....


It really. fucking. hurts.

and yeah, I know, 98% of the time its probably not at all directed at me.

But that doesnt make it hurt any less. its still a mockery to my existence and my heart's home. And in a lot of cases, apparently, my intellect.

also -

Im tired of being told Im too sensitive.


Maybe people should stop painting with giant broad brushes and think about how other people might feel. You know how "not all (enter religion here) are (enter stereotype here)" ?


Im sorry I am not in the "we think god is wack" club.


Wait, no Im not because I LOVE HIM.


Or is t hat funny?
my sanity has been just about broken.

lets top that sundae with broken sewing machine that I cant fix.

Now Im broken.

I sincerely hope that my style...

1. makes you smile
2. makes you giggle
3. makes you feel better then before
4. ticks you off
5. reminds you of some thing
6. bothers the shit out of you
7. makes you look twice
8. makes you snap out of your drone-state
9. INSPIRES you!
10. evokes some form of emotion and all together wakes you up and shakes you out of the cookie cutter!

Instant Expectations

Im starting to feel a lot of pressure from the general populace and even people I know and love lately, to not be what I am. Mostly because, I think what I am might be too uncommonly heard of, due to the bombardment of mass-communication messing with what reality actually is, or maybe Im just some kind of strange social and spiritual paradox (or would a better word be anomaly?) and people just wont recognize me as a whole.


Or maybe everybody in this day and age is too quick and comfortable labeling every thing and putting it in categories in a dark file in there mind and just leaving it there forever with out further research or care. I mean, even I just tried to label exactly what it was people saw me as, to try and rationalize the way I feel.


How I feel, basically, is that Im expected to act, feel, and think a certain way, the moment I have been labeled "Christian" either by my own confession, some others stream of information, or however else a person finds out. This is starting to get very tiring. Even some other Christians pounce on me the moment they know, wanting to know what KIND I am. And some look at me like I have three heads the moment I say the words "non-denominational". Oh, no, Im sorry, did you want me to fit myself in to a nicely gridded category for you? Tough.


Now one of two things normally happen when some body finds out. There is the instant assumption of where I stand in every single aspect of my life: politically, socially," morally" (Morally is in quotes cause I think its kind of a hard thing to define and even there I differ from what most people would expect because I fallow Jesus) what have you. These ideals are all instantly decided and either celebrated or hated depending on who is doing the assuming.

Alternatively, people who have known me a while, or know some things about me, are instatnly confused at my religious choice. Cause I dont match up with the assumptions.

So, whats assumed about me? I must be republican or similar, believe in teaching creationism in all schools as a science, pro-life, all of these very conservative views that I am sure we all know about ... Thats what Christian is right?


Here is a short list about me to illustrate what I mean:

+I am technically an independant, but I tend to lean very Democrat.

+I believe that marriage is a spiritual rite, at its core, but the shared benefits and legal contracts that enter in to it, should be openly available between any two people, and the government should keep its nose out.


+I LOVE Harry Potter (side note: it has a bazillion Christian undertones)

+Ive played D&D (but I prefer star wars rpg)

+I am pro-choice. But I do not believe in abortion as a form of birth-control. I pray that others consider all of the other options before resorting to destroying potential or actual life, but in the end I will not take away a clean ans safe way to do some thing a woman is determined to do with her body any way.

+I have no idea where I stand on evolution, and honestly, I dont care. really. Adam and Eve could have been big hairy apes. or not, whatever I dont think it matters.

+I believe Jesus is "hiding" in places people never even think to look. Elaborating on this would take way too much time, maybe some other entry.

+I dont know where I stand on the whole "rapture" deal.

+I am allowed to not like any one I want. I have to love them, but I can *not like* them to the cows come home. Im so tired of being called a "bad christian" when I dont like people.

+I drink.

+I curse (try not to most times though)

+I like alternate fashion, might get a tattoo some day, and think people have the right to mostly dress any way they want.

+I am a Christian. I believe In God The Father, The Son, and THe Holy Spirit. I believe that Jesus was killed and rose on the third day. I believe he decended in to heaven, I believe he will come again. I try every day to live my life the best way I can in my own interpretation of the bible, and personal relationship with Jesus as my savior.

+I have doubts. I have fears. I have unanswered questions.

+For now ,Im okay with that.

+At the end of the day, I know I am loved.

I hope every one takes all of these things in to consideration when they meet me, and STOPS LABELING ME as some thing that I am not. Thank you for reading if youve read all the way. I probably could keep going, but my attention span is dwindeling and I want to go upstairs and t........

blah blah not writing enough entries ...

So, to any one who fallows me on Twitter, or even face book (but more so on twitter, its where i moan and rage) sorry for the total downer I have been. Depression has been hitting me hard lately, and I am still unable to get my meds.

so much so that I took a day off the diet. hopefully it wont hit me hard.

any one who is wondering, the grand total loss is 11lbs. surprisingly enough, even my father noticed a difference. thats saying some thing, dad doesnt really say things like "youve lost weight" to anybody. he's a guy, he doesnt you know ... notice things .. XD

I cant wait for the wether to get a little warmer, so I am a little less shy about my power walking. I try to go 4 - 5 times a week but some mornings its so icey and miserable and wet and cold o__o;

In other news... tomorrow is the St Patrick's day parade on the island. any one who knkows me well, knows that I am an Irish American. and I think this is the DUMBEST HOLIDAY EVER.

am I alone in this? I think I might be ....

Happy sunday!


Tim and I finally got off our butts and tried out the Christ United Methodist church down the street.

considering every thing else on this island is either Catholic or doesnt sprechen ENGLISH ~ we will probably stay there.

the two best parts about it was the AMAZING ethnic diversity , and also every one was just SO welcoming and almost overwhelmingly eager to help is integrate and find work in the area. so there was a lot of love and acceptance.

the inside and outside of the church is so pretty and while it looks kind of large outside, it is rather cozy to border line cramped. the sanctuary is beautiful and has a real classic look to it. I almost want to say theres some thing traditional Austrian looking about the inside. (im really dumb when it comes to architecture though so dont quote me)

The worship was extremely traditional, though i prefer a mix of traditional meets contemporary, but we arrived on childrens worship day, which always makes any church feel a little more low key and kinda ...slower...

it wasnt the flashing lights stage production "charismatic" church that I dont respond well to, and thats a nice change from the southern style of worship that I just ... prefer to stay away from, if only because I feel like its very fabricated. If youre the kind of Christian who is in to that, that fine for you and all, I dont want to say youre wrong, its just not for me.

all in all it was a nice experience and we will likely be going back on an at least semi-regular basis XD. making strides to not be C&E Christians. =p

small hopeful update

My husband just applied to four jobs over at the hospita - wich used to be called St Vincents - I dont know what its called now -- and two of them he is VERY qualified for. and he is asking for very low pay. hopefully that will work out well!

today I applied for AC Moore. I would have to get a ride ther every day, since no buses go there, but its just part time work any way, and then I could get a discount on craft supplies XD

despite my mother being on a very abusive rampage, I am trying to be as optimistic as possible today - my husband is much better at keeping faith then I am, howver. but this, I am thankful for.

thank you for listening <3

Sarah and my husband and I played in the snow XD we built a great fort and it was fun. also I love this pic. (candids ftw)

Then we went in, had hot chocolate, watched The Labyrinth, had tacos, and now we are watching Short Circuit. Good, forget my troubles day.

Jan. 27th, 2011

today Sarah and I played dress up and it was fun. I dressed totally non-loli for the lols.

later we are going to go romp about in the snow and make things. <3

she had a snow day so I get to spend all day with her XD

good times.